I Know This Hurts
by Just 2 Dream of You
Summary: It was meant to, it was meant to. Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one. And it's mind over you don't, don't matter... HxB rated for violence and sexual content


Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

* * *

I Know This Hurts

X -x-x-x-x- X

_**From day one I talked about getting out  
But not forgetting about  
How are my worst fears are letting out  
You said why put a new address on the same old loneliness  
When breathing just passes the time  
Until we all just get old and die  
Now talking's just a waste of breath  
And living's just a waste of death  
And why put a new address on the same old loneliness  
And this is you and me and me and you  
Until we've got nothing left**_

I

Amethyst eyes opened and peered over to the side next to her. The spot was empty, as it always was, and she sighed. Yet again, she had hopes that he would be there, and of course, he wasn't. She scoffed at her own naiveté and rolled back to look at the clock. It was three in the morning and she groaned. It was already too late. She was up now and wasn't getting back to sleep.

She looked at the floor for a few moments before standing up and walking to the bathroom. Her eyes took a while to adjust to the light flipping on, and when they did she saw her reflection in the mirror. She looked tired and depressed. How ironic that after she got what she craved she would look so sad and haggard. She shook her head and gave a dry, hollow chuckle.

After she relieved herself she went to the shower. Dropping her clothes on the floor, she stepped in and ran the water to its coldest without it being too unbearable. A cold shower always woke her up and she found it to be a comfort. She also used cold showers almost in a way to purge herself.

_His fingers slip up her shoulder, grabbing at the flimsy fabric that lay at the top. She tilts her head and the silky strap seems to melt down her shoulder, while her hand goes behind his head and traces his neck, up to his hair._

It was so routine how he would show up. Like clockwork, he would appear. She could always tell when he was there and when he wasn't. The big clue was that the house would be quiet, too quiet, as if the house stopped creaking because of him. She would always find him at the window looking out, as if he was thinking about something profound. But what's so profound about sex?

That's what this was. That's_ all_ it was. That's all it ever was going to be. She knew that. She used to be hopeful, but that was long ago - or at least it felt like long ago. In truth, it was only a few months at most. Time had worn away what was there and now it was just habit. And yet somehow, someway she managed to still have a little twinge of the hope she used to have every now and then. Especially when she woke up. How she wished she could wake up next to him, if only once. To watch him sleep next to her. To know that he hadn't run away _again_. But he never did. He never stayed and always left before she woke up. How silly that a simple round of sex would make her so tired she would practically pass out afterwards. She bet he probably found it funny.

_He let his lips graze her skin and her scent filled him again, making him shiver slightly. She moaned a little and he let his hands roam her dress until he found the seam. Her fingers grabbed his hair tightly, intertwined deep and unforgiving. He let down the zipper on her dress and she spun around in his grasp. Their lips met and she tasted him, almost as if it was the first time._

"Yes, Koenma?" She spoke into the screen with a bored tone.

"Botan, I'm sending you into the Broken Forest. We have reports of a rouge demon terrorizing campers. Yusuke and Kurama are going, but I want you on your guard."

Botan rolled her eyes and spoke with a cocky tone. "When have I ever not?" The screen went black after Koenma raised an eyebrow. Botan sighed and shook her head. "Another day of killing monsters."

II

"Well, this is fun!" Yusuke yelled as he dodged yet another attack form the bear-lizard looking creature. He spun up and kicked it in the teeth, which did nothing but make it angrier. "Shit..." He powered up his Spirit Gun for another shot. Maybe this time it would work? He chuckled noticing his own cockiness and stubbornness, but what the hell. "Kurama, get it from behind while I shoot it!"

Kurama was wiping blood from his brow and sighed heavily. "Okay, Yusuke." He got out his rose whip and stood ready to attack. Yusuke shot his blast at the things' face. When it hit, Kurama ran to it at blinding speed and sliced at its' backside. The Rose Whip seemed to slip off and the blast did nothing.

"What the fuck is this thing?!" Yusuke swore as he recovered from shooting. Kurama shook his head and the demon roared, not liking these little things causing it discomfort. All the while, Botan watched, hating that she could do nothing to help. It was a good thing Kuwabara wasn't here, she thought. He had finals and couldn't help, so they didn't tell him. He would have been hurt more than Yusuke and Kurama. She knew the humans' ears must be burning at that, but it was true. As for Hiei...She scoffed. He was never here when needed.

The demon lurched at Yusuke and he jumped away from it. "Ahh, just - I dunno - should we run?!" Kurama winced and reached behind his neck.

"Close your eyes and cover your mouth and nose!" He pulled out a root and threw it at the creature. It exploded into dust and the demon screeched. It began sneezing and roaring. Yusuke reacted in shock but not fast enough. He wasn't good at listening. Yusuke fell to the ground in pain, coughing, sneezing, and yelling in tears as the horrible pollen attacked every part of his face and sinuses. Kurama groaned and ran to Yusuke, all the while covering his face with a plant.

Botan gasped as the pollen cloud engulfed both of her friends. The creature was still roaring and thrashing wildly. The dust was getting closer to her and she gasped. "Oh, no!" She flew higher and away from it. She hated leaving them but she had no choice. She wouldn't be much help if she was in the shape Yusuke was in. She flew as fast as she could to a warehouse away from the forest. She landed and sighed. Here she was like always. Alone.

_They parted and panted in each other's faces. She went for his shirt and pulled it up in a swift movement, throwing it to the floor. She ran her hands down his front as their lips met again. He licked her bottom lip for entrance and she granted it, of course. Their tongues met and danced, massaging each other as they battled for control. Neither one getting it, or relinquishing it, they parted again. She smirked and went for his pants. Her dress somehow was long gone and the sound of belts undoing filled the room._

She looked around with her eyes, scanning the area with meticulous motion. She didn't see anything or hear anything, but that didn't _mean_ anything. She swallowed and wiped her forehead. She saw that the warehouse was filled with explosives of some kind and she sighed. If she had to, she could lure it here and blow it up.

She heard a rustling sound and aimed her oar at it. There was a box to the left and the sound was coming from behind it. She gulped and stepped forward, trying to see over the box. The rustling got stronger for a few seconds and then stopped. Botan's eyes widened. That was never a good sign. Before she could think further, a black spider looking thing jumped over the box and landed on the ground an inch in front of her feet. She screamed, and in the split second she saw the creature, she noticed that it was another demon, something like a spider and a parasite. It screeched and jumped at her head. She swung at it multiple times before it scurried around quickly behind her. She didn't have time to act before she felt weight on her back. It screeched again and Botan threw herself on her back, a complete drop with no hesitation, hoping to crush it. Didn't work. The thing managed to get on her stomach, and for a few terrifying seconds, she was face to face with it. It opened what must have been its mouth and screamed, venom pouring out of many needle sharp fangs. Botan shouted in fear and smashed it with her oar, making it explode when it was crushed.

Disgusted, Botan stood up, looking at the crap load of bug guts on her kimono. She groaned and shook her head. She heard another roar and spun around. The bear-lizard burst through the entrance, not stopped since the doors were open already. Botan could do nothing as the monster threw her to the ground, its talons tearing through her flesh. She screamed and that only made it angrier. It began to thrash at her and Botan could taste blood enter her mouth.

_The bed was now heavy with two bodies, engulfed with passion. She was in her underwear as was he, and she was already puling down his pants. He grunted and lifted his body off the bed, as she was straddling him, to give her assistance in the matter. She pulled the fabric off and when she did, she also undid her bra and took off her panties. She straddled him again and ran her hands down his chest as she blazed kisses down his neck and collar bone. She felt his body settle as she moved down, feeling her breasts graze his stomach a little._

Botan was getting hazy and she began to drift away as the monster seemed occupied with her chest. She closed her eyes and when she did he heard a sound. It was a large explosion, she thought, and the creature disappeared. In reality it had been flown off of her by the impact of a fireball. Botan struggled to look up and saw Yusuke and Kurama, along with Kuwabara. They were all firing their energy and were killing the creature, who was unable to fight off, due to its' previous injury.

But the three aren't what caught her eye, but the short man undoing his bandages.

III

Her recovery was swift and easy. A few uneasy gashes, but nothing too serious. She was released from the hospital after two days and was now entering her apartment. Once again, it was too quiet. She shook her head and immediately went upstairs to the bedroom.

As soon as she entered it she caught his smoky scent and saw him at the window. He was looking out it as he always did, looking simply gorgeous in his usual black cloak and pants.

"You make a quick recovery, onna."

She narrowed her eyes and stepped forward. "I have a tough skin." She lied. She didn't, or else he wouldn't be able to get under it.

He chuckled and moved away from the window. "How bad is the scaring?" He asked with a bit of concern flashing in his eyes.

"Not bad." Botan replied flatly. He tilted his head and walked towards her.

_He found his hands in her hair and he groaned as she thrust up and down on him. She didn't do this often and he had to admit she was fantastic at it. The problem was, she would send him so far over the edge, but still not let him release. She stopped after a while and he growled, hating how the air hitting his wet member made him shiver. She lay on top of him and whispered, "Your turn." He snapped his eyes open and threw her on her back, thrusting into her without a single warning. She cried out and bucked up against him. He pinned her down by her shoulders and pulled out, only to thrust in again, harder than before._

His hand went for her face and she shirked it away. "Stop." He looked confused and blinked. "Just stop."

_He rolled off her panting hard, and she giggled a moan. There it was again. That damn sleepiness that would wash over her, mixed with euphoria. She looked over and he was smirking at her. That was the last thing she usually saw._

"Stop what?" He asked.

"This. This game that we're playing. I don't want it anymore." She said softly.

_**This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters**_

"What game?" He asked with anger dripping his tone. "I'm not playing any games."

"Yes, you are. You show up at my apartment, whenever you want, and just expect me to do whatever you want. Hell, you hardly ever say a word and you never stay!" Her voice was rising and he crossed his arms.

"I've never heard you complain."

_**But we never stood a chance and I'm not sure if it matters**_

He stared her down and she backed up a step. She could see his teeth grinding under his lips. He turned around and let down his arms. "What do you want?" He asked.

"What do _you_ want?" She asked.

He turned around and the look in his eyes told her he was serious. "Nothing."

Botan scowled and walked to him. "Nothing? Is that it? Nothing? That's all it's ever been, huh, Hiei? Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

_**If you are the shores, I am the waves begging for big moons**_

"It hasn't been nothing!" He shouted. She was taken aback by his outburst of emotion but held her ground. "You know it can't go further. We can't ever be more than this. It's the way it has to be."

_**I'm mailing letters to addresses in a ghost town**_

Botan approached him and grabbed his shoulders. "We can be more if we want it." He scoffed.

"You know nothing."

"We can do this, Hiei." Her eyes bore into his and he shook his head.

"I can't be more than what I am." He looked away and she brought his eyes back to hers by grabbing his chin and turning his head.

"I guess the question is, do you _want_ a happy life with me?"

He looked into her eyes and stayed silent. Her heart fell and she knew what the unspoken answer was.

_**Your secret's out**_

She pulled away and turned around. "You are a selfish coward. If you want to kill soulless creatures for the rest of your life, so be it. Just don't be surprised if you turn into one. I don't want you near me again." She finished with another lie. She heard fabric rustle and when she turned around, he was gone. Out the window.

_**I know this hurts, it was meant to, it was meant to  
Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one  
And it's mind over you don't, don't matter**_

IIII

She was laying awake again, in the cold night. It had been six months since she had seen him. He hadn't been around to help them on any missions and he hadn't contacted them in any way.

Maybe she shouldn't have pushed him away. Maybe she should have just enjoyed the lie she was telling herself. Enjoy her time with him. Not that she didn't, but she wanted something more than physical. She wanted _love_. She was unsure whether or not she truly loved him, but it really didn't matter anymore. Her mind was so full of him that it sometimes was hard to breathe.

This emotion that was crushing her was getting almost too hard to bear.

_**I used to obsess over living**_

_**Now I only obsess over you**_

It constricted her heart and emptied her lungs, making her eyes sting. Bitter tears ran out the corners and she choked a gasp.

_**In the dark lying on top of you**_

She sat up and wiped the liquid away. She stood up and paced the room. The chair looked offensive for some reason, and she threw it up against the wall, shattering it.

_**This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters**_

She swiped her hand on the nightstand, taking the lamp along with it, broken glass everywhere.

_**This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters**_

She took the drawers out off her dresser and threw them around the room. The drawers hit the wall and bounced onto the bed.

_**This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters**_

She tore the curtains off the window violently, tearing up the wall as the hooks of the holder were pulled from the plaster.

_**Well, this has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters...**_

_**I know this hurts, it was meant to, it was meant to  
Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one**_

She slumped down the wall and put her knees up to her chest. She felt moisture fill her eyes again and she let it come. She didn't care anymore. She put her head in her knees and let the tears fall.

_**And it's mind over you don't, don't, don't, don't matter**_

~End


End file.
